Abomination

Today I received an email that nearly caused me to have a seizure. I want to hunt down whoever originally generated it and beat them with a dead mackerel.

The subject line featured the message "Fw: Fw: Time?" and I wouldn't put it past the gal that sent it to have forwarded it without even reading it. It's not unusual for her to send a block of over a dozen emails at once to everybody in her address book. We love her, so we forgive her and joke about it when she's not around.

Lately I've taken to deleting every email in my inbox that includes the words blessing, friend, happy, love, buddy, cute, sweet, and/or special without even opening them. Ditto if I see brighten your day, Maxine, Garfield, Christian, this is funny, please sign and forward, thankful or prayer. I know what they're going to say, and I'm not about to inflict them on ten people. I'll just have to do without that mysterious phone call that's supposed to happen the instant I hit send, the warm fuzzies I'm supposed to get or the miracle that will occur in three days ("I didn't believe it, but I sent it to ten people and within an hour Ed McMahon was at my door!").

I also trash anything that requests I send it back to her. (It always claims I will "know why" when I "read it," but this has never been the case. Nope, still baffled as to why anybody would want to see that crap twice.) Luckily, Mom wades through these ghastly time-suckers and sends me the ones that are really worthwhile, usually because her WebTV won't play .wmv files or anything made in PowerPoint.

Anyhow, today's message included some terrible poetry, the words "If I don't get this back, I will know you really didn't read it," and the following image:

Does this remind anybody else of the Chicano paintings featuring Popocatepétl and Iztaccihuatl? Is that a signature down there in the corner? Good thing I can't decipher it. This piece of artwork irritates me on so many levels. The proportion sucks. It's tacky. It's a Christian cliche. The colors are hideous. It's not remotely believable. I think symbolism works best when it's subtle, and its obviousness makes this image agonizingly juvenile. I think I'd feel a little better if the ectoplasmic Saviour was carrying a librarian in gray tweed and orthopedic shoes, instead of an actress in a satin slip. What's with the D-cups and the gold bangle? I know God loved even Popocatepétl, but please.

I wasn't going to post the rest, but I'm in a truly foul mood and I want to inflict it on others. Check out the clever title:

THE POEM

I knelt to pray but not for long,
I had too much to do.
I had to hurry and get to work
For bills would soon be due.
So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees.
My Christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease.....
All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer
No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They'd laugh at me I'd fear.
No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need
But at last the time, the time to die.
I went before the Lord,
I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God! held a book;
It was the book of life.
God looked into his book and said
"Your name I cannot find
I once was going to write it down...
But never Found the time"

Now do you have the time
to pass it on?

"Too bad that the person who sent it to me did not know ten people who would admit to knowing the Lord.

If I send this to you (you mean, at this point I still have a choice?), please send it back so I will know that my friends do know the lord.

I know ten people.
Do You Love Him?

This is a simple test:

IF YOU LOVE JESUS, SEND THIS TO AT LEAST TEN PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU!"

If you want to keep me in the fold- flimsy as my faith is- don't create guilt-inducing emails featuring hideous art, ridiculous poetry, and terrible grammar.