Scope

Can somebody please, please, pleasepleasepleeeeeeeeze put Christopher Walken in a box and mail him to me? He’s by turns grotesque, tender, deadpan, hilarious, and vividly charming. I simply must own someone with such an incredible gift. As Larry Hobson: "I jumped out and pranked him to death with a tire iron!" This is a transcript of that skit. It’s beyond… beyond anything, but it won’t be as funny just reading it, and I guess somebody else wrote it anyhow, but he brings it to life. That voice! The Continental is a masterwork of monologuing slapstick. The fabulously psycho Ed Glosser trance face! Is there anybody else on Earth that terrifying?! And I finally understand the true meaning of (after two days of painful anticipation, not knowing the answer would come like a lightning bolt from above!) "I have a fever, and the only prescription is… cowbell!"

I’d also like to point out that any transcript of Futurama, which I also adore, reads like a VCR manual written in Hong Kong, by a Hong Kongian who never had formal training in English. Huh? For instance, Fry: "I’m literally angry with rage!" and Bender: "You were in the best coma I’ve ever seen!" Can someone please wrap up Matt Groening the writers of the first four seasons and mail them to me, too?! They can live in my closet with Christopher and write lively skits for him, which he can perform for me and select guests every day at 5PM. I don't suppose that would really work, though. Too much of a good thing.

To quote my niece, Abbagayle, who is ten: "life was so much better when you called me Boogerbean!"

I’m so close to something I want desperately. If I have to do unscrupulous things now, and later make up for the bad karma with some serious philanthropy, I will. I SO want this job. I hope you don't think that's unreasonable. It's a pity that nothing unscrupulous will make any difference to me getting it or not. It's all about circumstance.

The entire year 2004 was a feast for editorial cartoonists. I watched the FoxNews year in review thingy and shouldn't have... I can't bear it. I can't forget the footage, I can't ignore the irreverence with which the media treats death, war, disaster, and I can't face that I can't make a major difference. Sometimes I can paint pain, but I don't show anybody.

Speaking of pain, They still make the Pain Gum, and it still tastes like pain! And what a wonderful product it is, as it whitens teeth and freshens breath, two of my main priorities in life. I just can't wait to share the Pain!