The Pitfalls of Deep Thinking

I spent a miserable night last night. Something heinous replaced sleep for me, an awful state of unconquerable anxiety. Only a little over half the population of the world would understand the depth of what I mean when I say this, but it's amazing the emotional miles a girl can go in the dark of night, in her own bed. Oddly enough, it's the one place that really should be a refuge and isn't. It's the one place I can't hide from reality, and night is the time, for some bizarre reason, that I allot to face all the things I skim over lightly the rest of the time. Put aside to cope with privately, mentally snarling "I'll deal with you later." I must have postponed dealing with quite a lot lately, because I am very rarely hopeless. I'm too optimistic. But last night it was all I could do not to cry for help.

I work best at night. Nine comes and I suddenly want to start something grandiose: organize the closet, paint a masterpiece, analyze my priorities. My thought process usually achieves new heights at ten, which occasionally produces an epiphany. Sometimes it's not a good thing to have a momentous idea pop into your head when you should be winding down. If it's a positive discovery, I usually drift off peacefully without a fight. If it's not, the result is something like last night, to various degrees. You may deduce that I received an unexpected emotional revelation last night that kicked off the evening's fun. I'm not going to dispute that, but I'm not going to tell you what it is, either. You'll find out soon enough.

My heart as an organ feels exposed today, like it's either far more shallow in my chest that I once assumed, or altogether external, with just a layer of scratchy black wool to keep it from view. As an emotional tool, however, it's practically nonexistent, used up, defunct. The residue of last night's misery is like a teflon Rhino brand bedliner over that much-abused muscle. Good luck getting through to me today, and don't take it personally. I'll bounce back, I always do.

I hate it when people state the obvious. And I really hate it when my body thwarts my mind's attempts at denial. It's one of the really unfair injustices of life.